Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Get behind me, Santa!

How my visions of sugarplums have soured.

It was bad enough learning that Santa Claus isn't a real person.

It was worse learning last year that Santa was a stupid chatterbot on MSN Messenger.
It was worse still to learn this year that Santa was actually a stupid perverted chatterbot on MSN Messenger. True story:
But my most recent discovery is by far the worst one yet.

Did you know that Santa is actually working to subvert the true meaning of Christmas?

Ask yourself:
Who has white hair and a white beard?
Who wears attire made of red?
Who is helped by mystical creatures?
Who wants people to be good so they can get good stuff?

Jesus. That's who.

I recently got my hands on the 28 point comparison chart at left. It explains how Santa is trying to co-opt God (click it for a readable view).**

If you want a more in-depth analysis, check out this webpage wholly exposing Santa for who he really is.

Simply put, it's no coincidence that Santa is only one letter-swap away from Satan.

Of course, if we get away from the frenzied holiday shopping and consumerism that's come to typify our American Christmases, we'll probably kill our economy.

So the people calling for a return to our supposed "Christian Christmas roots" are probably disguised Communists seeking our downfall. And we all know how Godless those pinkos are.

Honestly, I always figured Santa must be one of those environmental liberal freaks - I mean who else thinks getting valuable, refinable energy is a bad thing? But I never pegged him as a Lucifer lackey.

I guess I shouldn't be so discriminating in my hasty and over-broad generalizations.

*No, I did not make the chart. Yes, it is for real. And no, if you hadn't already guessed, I don't put much stock in it. About the only message I'm seeking to get across is that anything can be twisted. For example, did you know "Holy Bible" is an anagram of "Bio by Hell?"
Post title lifted from Sufjan Steven's
outstanding Christmas collection.

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