Monday, May 28, 2007

Mosty Schmosty

I just received this email from Mister Mosty.

I am resisting temptation and posting it in its unedited entirety.

Mr. Barker,

It's been over a year since we last interacted in the context of the weblog. You have not had the privilege of my company during that time, but I have been checking in on the state of my former online home whenever my busy schedule has had absolutely nothing better. Needless to say, my visits have not been frequent.

Anyway my dear dullard, to get closer to the point, I must be frank - the website has gone to rubbish; as merely one example among many, I couldn't help but notice that a number of months ago you promised a recap of the posts that didn't make the cut in 2006. I have to admit, I was intrigued - to be below *your* standards it would have to be a pretty pathetic collection. Instead, you've been posting incoherent videos and blathering on like a fool.

But enough with the niceties. I am writing you to formally submit my resignation with you and to this blog. You may beg and plead for me to stay on and whip the blog into shape, but it will be to no avail. Most unfortunately, my life is serious jeopardy. Fear not for my safety - with fame comes adversity and it's nothing I can't handle. How did it come about, you ask? It’s a bit of a complex story I will attempt to explain for you simpletons.

I ran across an advertisement for the website that purports to exist to answer questions about and shed light upon their cryptic and mysterious organization. Being the investigator and pursuer of truth that I am, I felt obligated to ask the obvious question:

If the Masonic system is primarily a brick and mortar institution, is it not contradictory to have an online presence as well?

After submitting my question on their website, I soon received a chilling reply.

It read as follows:

Thank you for submitting your question. You will receive an answer very shortly. If you would like to get in touch immediately, please contact the following:

The Grand Lodge A.F. & A.M. of Massachusetts
186 Tremont St
Boston, MA 02111

Voice: (617) 426-6040
Voice: (800) 882-1020 (Within Massachusetts)
Fax: (617) 426-6115

Thank You.
While heavily coded, it was obvious to a mind like mine that it was a warning that I was about to be eliminated by Masonic assassins – very shortly. I’m sure they would have preferred it if I had marched up to their doorstep for a speedier execution or called them up and begged for mercy, but instead I chose (wisely, as usual) to run.

I’m afraid the Masons have gotten especially vicious since Dan Brown boldly exposed them in his world-famous novel. The only reason he is not dead is because he’s kept his identity well hidden; “Dan Brown” is, of course, not a real name but merely an anagram meant to detail the Mason’s techniques for destroying critics: “Nab. Drown.”

But enough of that. I must leave once again for a more secure location. I have no time in my now busier schedule for your sad blog.

That awesome,
Mister Mosty

P.S. In the event it will help you somehow, I am giving you the password to this email account to do with what you want. I'm sure the Masons will be monitoring it so it's of no use to me.

P.S.S. A good bit of time ago, Johnny asked what a rhetorical answer was. The answer should have been obvious. A rhetorical question is a question that does not need an answer. Logically then, a rhetorical answer *must* be an answer that does not need to be questioned. In case you don’t get it, any of Mister Mosty’s answers to questions (such as this, obviously) are rhetorical answers.

Make what you will of it.

As to the whole "Didn't make it in 2006" thing, I kinda decided that there was a good reason I didn't post most of it, and the other stuff was probably too incomplete to be of any interest.

So if you're reading this, take that Mosty. And goodbye.

I have to admit it was good while it lasted.


Steven said...

Sad to see you go there Mr. Schmosty. Err hmm em Mosty.

You know Mr. Barker, I never said anything but I always thought you were better than this schmock. Kinda like a Dr. Jekyl to Mr. Hyde.

Though, I'd be worried. It sounds like he is setting you up to take the downfall from the Free Masons. Watch your back.

Anonymous said...

Looking forward to the "fresh start" -- did I get the hint???

Carol said...

Farewell Mr. Mosty, I hope you are able to elude those who would deflate you. If you are seeking a new identity may I suggest this
You could hang out at sporting events and crash a few parties and no one would ever spot you.

Anonymous said...

Well Steve, he's more like Mr. "Hide" now.

Great work, anon. Progress is being made.

That seams like a very awesome mask, Carol. You could definitely scare some kids with that sucker!

Freddie Sirmans said...

Just browsing the internet, Interesting website.

The OE said...

When a secret agent spends public funds the price is usually right.