Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Walking the Straight and Arrowed Path

Some Valentine's day advice for all you lovers out there...

In my observations, it would appear that Valentine's day is typically made up of five main types of people:

1) Individuals who are in intimate, loving relationships. These guys are the ones that drive Saint Valentine's Day. These people waste ridiculous sums of money on candy, jewelry, roses, and all that sappy crap. They may also be spotted incoherently mumbling silly "sweet nothings" to each other.

2) Individuals who are in relationships with jerks. This can be just about anyone, though reportedly, the group does tend to contain a disproportionate amount of high school quarterbacks.

3) Individuals who are being pursued by people who they don't share a mutual attraction with. This group is generally composed of super-models and all the other good-looking people on the planet.

4) Individuals who aren't in a relationship. Not surprisingly, this group is comprised of CJ and all the other single people. Nuf said.

5) Islamic extremists, who believe Valentine's Day is the great satan.

I'm assuming that those in group 1 are all set. In fact, they probably will be spending their time doing something romantic instead of reading Unknown Knowns and Other Ramblings today.

I'm additionally assuming that there aren't any Islamic extremists reading this. If there are then, well, um, allow me offer you my sincerest: "Happy February 14th!" I hope it brings you even more enjoyment than the 13th did.

Now, for those of you in group 2, who are in relationships with jerks, I would advise you get of the relationship. Seriously. It might not be easy to do either. If you're dating a guy or girl whose cheating on you, they may try pulling all kinds of deceitful crap. Heck, they may even cite the romantic lyrics of Nat King Cole and try to tell you that "Love is more than just a game for two". But don't give in. Be strong. And then check out my advice for single people.

If you have someone who is just not getting the hint that you're not that into them, Unknown Knowns and Other Ramblings has the perfect solution to your problem. Just for you, I've prepared a special e-card of sorts for you to give to your stalker. It's perfect - not at all mean, but not in any way unclear either. Check it out by clicking on the image below to see my card in it's full animated glory (make sure you wait for it to change!):
I hope it helped.

Finally, we have single people. Now, sure, I could dole out all kinds of great advice on how to find that perfect man or woman, but, let's face it, there's no chance that even the best of advice could get you an awesome date for Valentine's at this late of notice. So, I've got some better ideas.

Guys, don't go out and join a He-man Woman Hater's Club - you know you'd only be lying to yourself. Instead, CJ recommends watching some brainless action movies with some fellow single dudes (anything in the Schwarzenegger library wouldn't be a bad place to start) and bask in the fact that you can feel to burp and fart to your heart's content this year.

Ladies, I don't really know what to tell you; though I've been told that any female activity is greatly improved by the consumption of chocolate. I would also suggest you enjoy the fact that you're not stuck sitting next to some stinky gross dude today. Of course, if you're ridiculously good-looking, CJ definitely recommends you send him an email. Schwarzenegger movies aren't *that* good.

Not that he's desperate or anything.


Amanda said...

your animation skillz impress me CJ. and yes, any female activity is always improved by the consumption of chocolate. which is what this single person will be doing tonight-drinking wine, eating chocolate, and watching movies that won't make me sad that it's SAD. happy v-day!

Steven said...

Those Islamic extremists sure have a point. I too am going to blow up this day but it's going to be on the stinky end, like you suggested.

Natasha said...

Oh C.J. some day your time will come. And I will start singing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" from Lion King!"

ManNMotion said...

It appears we've gone Op-Ed, and in wonderful fashion