Sharon Responds to Pain Stimulation
Woweee! Maybe I'm jumping the gun a touch, but pardon my exuberance - I think this just might be the very first headline Palestinians and Isrealis can both take a degree of satisfaction in!!! Maybe peace is possible in the Middle East!!!!!
Marcus Vick Arrested on Firearms Charges
To all those scouts that questioned his ability to throw the deep ball, it's clear now that Marcus really does have a gun...
New Jersey Pols Pass Death Penalty Freeze
Executioner: Would you like the chair, the squad, or the Frigidaire?
Convict: Oh jeez! I regret being a sleaze! Couldn't I just get on my knees, beg for your keys, pay you fees, and slip away with ease? No? Ah well. Freeze, please.
Santorum Aims to Win Moderates' Support
I dunno, it almost sounds like you'd have to be crazy to vote for him.
Cable Cut Blacks Out Sprint Nextel Services
What nerve. Those crazy racists really had the audacity to shaft African-Americans out of Nextel services?! That's a load of trash.
Iran Removing Seals From Nuclear Plants
One anonymous official involved in Iran's nuclear programs explained the situation.
"We originally introduced the seals to boost employee morale in 1999, and the results were very encouraging. As you probably know, seals are carnivores, so we weren't at all concerned that they might try to eat the plant, but our analysis was short-sighted. While the seals are rather amusing creatures, we nearly had a meltdown back in November when Roger [a seal at the plant] lost control of his bouncy ball. One minute we're all standing around and laughing at his ball-bouncing routine. Next thing you know, the ball's in the proton accelerator and we've got 30 seconds to evacuate the premises," said the official with a nervous chuckle, "Disaster was averted that time, but we knew that the seals had to go. Cute or not, they are also quite clumsy and dim-witted. Simply put, when you have the opportunity to reduce the probability of the occurrence of a tragedy of apocalyptic proportions, you tend to take it."
Conservatives betting Canada wants change
Those conservatives just don't get it. They always stick to their miserly ways. Did they ever even stop to consider that perhaps Canadians would prefer a big fat check to some shiny quarters?! If they lose the upcoming election, look no further than the chump change.
S.Korean scientists faked two papers but cloned dog
Oh great, I can see the wave of excuses now: "But guys, the dog ate my real papers!"