Well, uneducated masses, you were no doubt wondering where my genius had gone for the recent past. You may wonder all you want.
Today, as your guide to knowledge in the world of woe, I feel compelled to bring to your attention a most troubling series of events that I've been following for the past few months.
Many times, I've offered sage advice on a wide variety of subjects, but I believe that my extensive research has proven this to be perhaps the most important wisdom I've ever offered. My warning is simple: STAY AWAY FROM WENDY'S RESTAURANTS!
Now, I'm sure by this point you trust me enough to take my word as truth, but for your increased benefit, I will share my alarming findings with you.
Not too long ago, Wendy's began a new advertising campaign. You might be familiar with it, it was simply: "It's good to be square". While aware of this slogan, you may not realize the nasty implications of this devious scheme. You might naively assume that the square burger is a mere reference to something like, "a square meal". This is a ludicrous assumption. As any TV watcher knows, only Taco Bell attempts to claim that their cheap menu items leave you satisfied.
My interpretation of the true meaning behind the ad began with a simple analysis of the principle of "square burger eating". Follow the simple logic chain I've provided, complete with pictures and geometric proofs to see what I saw.
(HINT: Assume the square burger in question was designed to be eaten with a mouth.)
1. Human mouths are round.
2. Square burgers are square.
(HINT: Note the edges)
3. Being round in nature, human mouths are not square.
4. Being square in nature, square burgers are not round.
5. Being of differing shapes, the round human mouth and the square burger are definitively not meant to be used in conjunction with one another.
6. Even with the best of efforts, your mouth can not be made into a square.
As you can see, the entire idea of eating square burgers is completely illogical in nature. Therefore, Wendy's campaign must contain some underlying scheme.
So, the next logical question to ask was, if the scheme didn't represent a square meal or any logical thought, what did the square actually mean? Sadly comrades, it meant a great many things, and none of them pleasant.
The first thing I unearthed was Wendy's diabolical intent to seize control of our lives. In this image I covertly captured from Wendy's "Goodtobesquare.com" website, you can begin to see the danger:
Obviously, the other burgers are worshipping the square burger. In other words, Wendy's would like us all to become their slaves and bow down and worship them. You may say, "Mr. Mosty, that's not possible!" but there's more.
Recall the common phrase, "be there, or be square"? Consider the consequences of Wendy's new campaign:
Father: Hey son, want me to pick you up after soccer practice and we can grab some Wendy's together?
Son: Gee, dad, that'd be swell, thanks!!!
The fate of this planned outing between paternal guardian and progeny is all too clear. The previously outstanding father will succumb to Wendy's brainwashing campaign, choosing to "be square" and selfishly scarfing some Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers by himself, rather than choosing to "be there" for his son. The dad will be far more concerned with Wendy's pop than his role as one.
And it doesn't end there.
You may also recall the popular saying, "You are what you eat", and to be a "square" is to be a dullard or a bore. What Wendy's is saying is that they don't want us to question them - they want us to go quietly into the night with a yawn.
There's no doubt in my mind: Wendy's is clearly trying to dismantle our lives and reshape us in their image. And that quite honestly frightens me, and should scare you as well. However, let's just pretend that you don't mind becoming an illogical, irresponsible, and boring heathen. Even if that's ok with your warped mind, that's not all that's wrong with Wendy's.
I had just finished up my initial report on the dangers of Wendy's "It's good to be square campaign" when their new campaign hit the air-waves. As you would guess, the essence of this new advertising was pure evil as well.
In the advertisements, supposedly funny and harmless promotion of their newly revamped Super Value Menu, signs of danger abound. Chiefly, blatant and bigoted sexist disregard for women.
The TV spots "joke around" expressing everyday expenditures in terms of Wendy's Super Value Menu items (i.e. a $75 dollar speeding ticket is equated to "75 Junior Bacon Cheeseburgers"). Clearly this reinforces Wendy's ongoing plans to take over every aspect of our lives, but it gets worse.
Near the end of the commercial, we see a man who, along with a woman the audience presumes is his wife, is getting all dressed up for what looks like a big night on the town. Thanks to some serious undercover work, I was able to find footage to post for you today. Here's the scene:
At the time of this picture, the husband has just remarked to his supposed wife, "You look like a million chicken nuggets." Of course the woman acts touched and the reference to "you look like a million dollars" is supposed to warm our hearts. It chilled mine, and if you're not stupid, it chilled yours as well.
The commercial is *NOT* saying the wife looks like a million dollars at all. According to the Wendy's website, chicken nuggets are sold 5 for 99 cents. Do you understand what this means?! In other words, the "husband" is placing the actual value of his wife's looks at a mere $198,000!!! This is no compliment, but degradation. Rather than being a wonderful and loving husband taking his lovely and cherished wife to a nice dinner, it's obvious that this twisted man is getting her dressed up to auction off on EBAY!!! I, as a citizen of the world, can't accept this trampling of human rights.
Friends, if you value freedom, liberty, intelligence, justice, righteousness and the American Way, you must avoid Wendy's at all costs - even if that cost is an extra 3 bucks at Denny's. Don't just "do what tastes right", do what *IS* right and say no. You of course can choose to be a moronic imbecile if you want, but don't say I didn't warn you.
If you have any questions, comments, concerns, cash, or glowing praise for me, you may contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org.