Saturday, December 24, 2005

Hacking the Headlines

Saddam Claims Americans Beat, Tortured Him
That's not a claim buddy, that's a cold, hard fact. Baghdad Bob aside, everyone (yes, including Michael Moore) admits that the U.S. beat you in the Iraq war. And heck, I'm pretty sure that until last week, torture was legal by U.S. law. Sorry man.

Two New Orleans Cops Axed in Taped Assault
Dear Journalist responsible for composing this beauty,

Please remember that after recent terrorist home video and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, most people are going to be thinking of taped axings, not "axings" over assault caught on tape.

Thanks for thinking next time!

In sincerity,
CJ Baker

Wal-Mart Plans to Appeal $172M Judgment
Attorney Fred Furth, right, who represented employees of Wal-Mart, talks with Wal-Mart attorney Neal Manne...An Alameda County jury on Thursday awarded $172 million to thousands of California employees at Wal-Mart Stores Inc. who claimed they were illegally denied lunch breaks.

You know, I hate to say this, but I just have this feeling that Wal-Mart's going to win the appeal. Let's face it - the employee's attorney doesn't look like he's missed a lunch break (or tax break) in his life. One of his lunches might "break" the bank.

Stolen body parts cause health scare
With today's scary masks costing an arm and leg, and horse heads harder and harder to come by, stealing a body part from your local hospital can be a cost-effective way to medically scare the bee-jeebers out of somebody!

I'll keep that one in mind for April fools.

French Hand, Face Transplant Patients Meet
I never knew Thing was French.

NBC Acquires Majority Stake in MSNBC
I'm fascinated to see how they plan to take over the MS part.

Maytag Shareholders OK Sale to Whirlpool
Maytag waved the white flag yesterday.
Of course, I believe they waved that flag every other day of their recent existence as well...


One troubled, anonymous source familiar with the proceedings remarked, "Dishes a sad day. Washing all the money and loven that went into this independent company go down the drain is hard. I've heard they maytag everything for complete liquidation!"

However other executives disagreed with that gloomy outlook, "They're going to give working together a whirl-pooling resources is the whole point of a merger."

3 Charged for Storing Unstable Dynamite
Is any dynamite stable?! "Ok kids, this dynamite is stable, but don't choke on it if you're under three."?!?! Heck, even mild-mannered Napoleon was crazy enough that I wouldn't call him stable.

Local Leaders in the Dark on Air Pollution
That's some nasty air pollution.

Scientists Find Cache of Dodo Bird Bones
I have to ask: did they find any fossilized Dodo doodoo?

Man Jailed for Over a Year Saw No Lawyer
You know, jail doesn't sound all that bad anymore.

Needing no explanation -- to explain it:
Spy court to get secret briefing -- about secrets

FBI Offers Reward in Ohio Mosque Bombing
And we wonder why the middle east hates us...

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dodo doodoo - - now there's a Christmas Eve thought for all your readers!

Jim said...

Actually about air pollution I am currently in Chicago and must say that sometimes air pollution can be quite bright. In fact it never gets dark during the Christmas Season here. Kinda stinks that you have to have the shades down at 1:00 in the morning to get some darkness.

Ohh hope your Christmas went well, and have a happy New Year.