Red Sox GM Epstein resigns
I'd like to give a big thumbs down and a few choice words to CBS Sportsline for this one. Hey brainiac headline writer: did you ever stop to think that maybe, just maybe, "resigns" is spelled the exact same way as "re-signs" and might mislead hopeful Sox fans?!?! Come freaking on.
Senators clash over inquiry on Iraq
While many accuse the Bush administration of "shooting first and asking questions later" in regards to Iraq, it seems that even now questions are still out of the question.
Study: Male Mice Sing When Females Near
Good grief, Walt had the general principle of this one figured out decades ago.
Bush Shows Reporter What's in His Pockets
Iraqi Official Aims to Refurbish Image
I was going to say something about the use of "aims" being a little counterproductive, but on second thought, I realized it was a heck of a lot better than something like, "Iraqi Official is Shooting For a New Image".
And then on third thought, I realized the story's about the official himself, not the country. Ah well.
Japan Food Commission OKs U.S. Beef Report
In a move that stunned cuisinists across the globe, while merely enforcing long-held U.S. beliefs, the Japan Food Commission OKed a U.S. report proclaiming the superiority of beef to raw fish.
Illegal Workers On GOP Agenda
Lately, it seems that "Illegal Workers On GOP Payroll" would make a more apt headline.
Chavez Warns of Moving Jets to Cuba, China
Most foreign commentators saw the warning as a step up in maturity from Hugo's previous threats of building nuclear bombs and scary stuff, but they also saw this claim as ridiculous as previous ones. While the Jets might be having a bit of a down year, experts agreed the team doesn't need to be split up and moved to China and Cuba. And seriously, the Jets are struggling to get one healthy quarterback, let alone one for a Cuban team and one for a Chinese team. Furthermore, let me say this: just because you happen to be an incredibly evil dictator, doesn't mean that you can just start claiming football teams.
Seriously man, cool your jets.
Man Kills Buck With Bare Hands in Bedroom
Armed only with his two hands and a TV remote, the man managed to kill off hundreds of bucks on worthless WWE pay-per-view.
Michelin comes to New York, rates restaurants
Do they never tire of coming up with new, crazy, promotional campaigns? Please, spare me the details, I don't think I can stand another company inflating their profits and jacking up bottom lines with non-traditional advertising. What does a tire manufacturer know about food?! Then again, their mascot looks like he eats pretty well...
Democrats Push to Delay Alito Hearings
In other words, just like the DeLay case, they want the judge removed.
Ancient Burial Ground Discovered in N.Y.
Citizen 1: Hey did you hear what was buried inside the aged tomb?
Citizen 2: No, what'd they find?
Citizen 1: Hilary's 2008 Presidential hopes!
And I'm done.