Thursday, November 10, 2005

Men go to Venus? Pooh's in the Pentagon?! Shoot me now!!!

NASA Telescope Gets Image of Young Stars
You know, maybe you're just not like me, but with the reputation rocket scientists have for being big-time nerds without any girlfriends, I figured that this headline was going to be accompanied by a picture like this:
I wouldn't have blamed them either.* I mean, nerds tend to be pretty lonely and I'm sure they'd rather watch the goings on of pretty young stars than the consumption of helium by Alpha Centauri. Or at least I hope. And heck, Gemini *is* a constellation...

GOP Lawmakers Pooh-Pooh Pentagon Disaster Role
Well, I hate to burst anyone's bubble, but with recent natural disasters Tigger-ing a whole lot of lootin' and (Christopher) Robin', it seems the Pentagon is looking less and less like the 3 Acre Wood and a whole lot more like Hell's Half-Acre

European Venus Probe Launched
Inspired by Dan Brown's success with unraveling the mysteries of the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper, a European group has launched a study to try and unravel the deeper meaning behind the Venus de Milo sculpture. I myself and not holding out a whole lot of hope. What are they going to come up with? That her lack of arms is a cry for world peace? Please.

Pot-Based Drug Promising for Arthritis
Let me say this: it's going to take some time for the public to accept marijuana as a legitimate medicinal drug. I mean, how's a company supposed to pitch it? "Try a joint for your joints"? "Got inflammation? Flame up!"?"Got pain? See Jane!"?! How are customers supposed to weed out the respectable company's from the bad? I for one, can't get past the irony of "taking a hit" to relieve pain...sounds kinda dooby-ous.

Bush Signs Bill Regulating Tinted Contacts
Yeah, apparently, no more dealings with shady reporters and law-breakers.

Amtrak president Gunn fired
I feel bad for the guy. I really do. I saw one headline that said "Amtrak President Derailed" and I thought that was kind of low, but this one? Ouch. Just think if it was an ugly split what the press would have said:

Barreling out of his old Amtrak office, Gunn, shy by nature, shot off round after round of criticism until he was finally muzzled and silenced by Amtrak security. After being escorted off the premises, Gunn went off again.

In a mostly incoherent, shotgun-style forensic discourse, Gunn fumed that his firing was "a load of bull;it wasn't fair" and claimed that Amtrak had "put their Corporate safety on hold for profits". One Time reporter requested further elaboration on his statements, but he refused to speak to the magazine and left.

After seeing Gunn's uncharacteristic tirade, a co-worker, who requested to remain anonymous, commented that the only explanation that they could think of for his behavior was that Gunn was "fully loaded."

50 Cent can't act, and his story just isn't unique
Critic 1: Did you hear the one about Curtis Jackson and the full-length feature film?
Critic 2: No, what happened?
Critic 1: His acting was so bad that for most scenes, it took him nine shots to get it right!
Critic 2: HA!

*PLEASE NOTE: CJ does *NOT* think the Olsen twins are very attractive. Seriously.


Steven said...

Sure you do CJ. Those Olson twins were the only stars you were looking at in your Astronomy class. I mean seriously, you even got the Milky Way in there on their lips.

tabelzey said...

Well you got me on the joint one...I was cracking up yet you state the problem so straightforward that its a wonder others haven't figured it out as well.

Amanda said...

i just gave you 10 respect points for not drooling over the olson twins. at least not on your blog page...:-D