BigBelly puts squeeze on NYC trash
First there was Deep Throat. Now, New York City informant BigBelly has given local authorities the dirt on litterers in the Big Apple. "I just want this city to quit wasting and throwing away it's potential," said BigBelly, who has repeatedly refuse-d to identify himself. "It's my soap and clean, er, hope and dream, that this city can sack grime once and for all."
Ind. Man Allegedly Tried to Sell Spy Names
According to federal investigators, an Indiana man was caught today trying to sell spy names. While the crime will carry stiff penalties, one expert familiar with the case thought it was kind of funny. "Did any of this clown's customers really think their fake I.D.s sporting 'James Bond', 'Peter Gunn', or 'Dick Tracy' were actually gonna fly?" he said, "The only thing that's gonna fly is you - right out the door. You tell the bouncer your name's 'The Pink Panther' and you'll probably end up as 'The Black and Blue Mess'."
Controversial research ship leaves Mexico
Fifty years after its arrival in New Mexico, the United Federation Organization's 'research vessel', believed to have carried illegal aliens across national borders, left for good today. The ship's controversial research procedures were criticized by many as invasive and "probing," while the Federation claimed the worst thing that happened to any of their test subjects was "a little exposure to some foul-smelling swamp gas." The craft was spotted leaving Roswell early this morning, though government officials denied any such departure.
Saudis to Assad: Get army out soon
Citing pasty skin, overweight officers, and a general amount of laziness in the ranks, Saudi Arabian authorities warned Syrian President Bashar Assad to get his troops outside more often - and soon. "We're running out of donuts here," said one stressed-out Arabian bakery owner, responsible for delivering sweets to the troops.
Scientists: Hidden galaxies spotted
Talk about a flipping disappointment. Scientists today were ecstatic to find the hidden galaxies they always believed were out there in the depths of space.
However, about a half-an-hour later, with a collective "D'OH!", the horrible realization dawned on the group that their observations had just shot the whole "hidden" theory to pieces.
The "Worst Headline of the Day Award" goes to:
U.S. hits Thais over human rights
Report: Space burst could be new object
While a new report kindled renewed hope for signs of intelligent life in our galaxy among space-geeks, environmentalists weren't so enthused. When informed of the report's claims, one activist was flat-out skeptical. "So, you're telling me that these guys found an abandoned StarBurst out there in space, and they're claiming it's from another planet?!" she said, "What's next, a cosmic Kit Kat bar?! Gimmie a break!"