Thursday, March 10, 2005

Not So Fan-tastic Mail

CJ has informed me he's got a nasty case of writer's block, so I'm taking over with some more mail.

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am Mr.Liu Peijin,managinig Hubei Machinery&equipment Import& Corporation (CMEC HUBEI CO.) we are a company who deal on mechanical equipment, hardware and minerals, electrical products, Medical & Chemicals,light industrial products and office equipment, and export into the Canada/America and Europe.We are searching for representatives who can help us establish amedium of getting to our costumers in the Canada/America and Europe as well as making payments through you to us.Please if you are interested in transacting business with us we will be glad.
Please contact us for more information,Subject to your satisfaction you will be given the opportunity to negotiate your mode of which we will pay for your services as our representative in Canada/America and Europe.
Please if you are interested forward to us your phone number/fax and your fullcontact addresses .

Thanks in advance
Mr.liu Peijin
Managing Director

Well, Mr. Peijin, nice try, but I'm not falling for your diabolical plot. If I wasn't far too busy writing my first book, making birthday party appearances across the globe, and learning to crochet, I still would flatly refuse your heinous offer. Comrades, this is no ordinary piece of international fan mail - this is a decrepit organization's feeble attempt to bring me down. Any organization that works with “costumers” is without a doubt looking to mask something evil. An examination of this seemingly harmless email reveals its incredible wickedness.

The first concern that hopefully everyone picked up on was the fact this organization is clearly anti-American. You who think I'm making this up had better wake up. Just look at the areas that a representative would be working in: Canada/America. First off, why is Canada listed first? A little irrational Canadian favoritism, eh Peijin? You can try to justify it all you want, but let's face the facts: America comes first alphabetically, America has diversity (three different vowels to Canada's measly one), and of course, America’s more better intellect. But that's not what really frightens me. Note the "/". Not concerned? Well think again. It's a SLASH folks, put it in context: “Canada slash America.” What else could this be than a fearsome cry for Canadians to take up arms against their southern neighbors? I find this blatant provocation utterly reprehensible.

If you are still somehow unconvinced of the group’s guilt, one only has to look at the “corporation’s” name to realize what's going on here. The initial line tries to mask the organization's true purpose, calling itself Hubei Machinery and Equipment Import Corporation, but a closer look reveals this despicable business for what it really is. Does anyone else find it odd that this listed name creates the name Hubei MAEI Co., yet the group’s name is listed as CMEC HUBEI CO.? Well you should.

Thanks to my extensive knowledge of Luxemborgian culture (where this email clearly originated), I happen to know that it's socially and ethically unacceptable for a Luxemborgian to tell a full lie. So to deal with this moral dilemma, the sneakier citizens have developed a system where telling a lie is ok - as long as the truth is told at some point in some way. The current popular Luxemborgian practice of revealing a lie’s true nature is through the use of cryptic, capitalized, parenthetical acronyms. With this handy knowledge, we see the corporation is actually known as the CMEC HUBEI CO. Still not ringing any alarm bells? Allow me to further enlighten you: CMEC HUBEI CO. obviously stands for "Cunning Mischievous Egotistic Communists HUBEI (not an acronym, but rather an intentional misspelling of "Who Buy") Coats Often."

Cunning Mischievous Egotistic Communists Who Buy Coats Often. That’s scary. Can you even comprehend the unbelievable cruelty and heartless nature of an individual who could hoard winter wear?! Just think about the incredible repercussions that this group would have on the world if their membership was to increase. Why, I doubt we would even be able to have Christmas anymore. Don't believe me? Just think about it. Where is it really cold? Why, the north pole of course. And do you really think the elves know how to make coats? It’s clear they don't - they make toys! It’s a simple application of the law of supply and demand. Really, how many kids you know are begging Santa for that Columbia goose-feather jacket? Not any normal ones! Even supposing that the elves had the knowledge to make warm coats for themselves, there's no way our little friends would have the necessary supplies.

Furthermore, thanks to stockpiling tactics of the CMEC HUBEI CO., there wouldn't be any more coats available to the public down south. So what options would that leave Santa's little helpers? By my calculations, only one. The elves would be forces to use the reindeer for fur. I know, it's a horrible thought, but it's simply inevitable. However, this solution only leads us to see the real problem: with Rudolf serving as seasonal sleeves for Everett Elf's goose-pimpled arms, there is no Christmas. Clearly, CMEC HUBEI CO. is out to rid the world of happiness, and positive things in general.

Mr. Peijin may be able to fool some with his cute grammar errors, and he may be able to hide his true intentions from the slow-witted, but I will not fall for such pathetic tricks. Today, I declare to you, my faithful readers, that I, Mr. Mosty, refuse to be a mouthpiece for such unspeakable evil.

Until next time, don't lick any flagpoles, frozen or otherwise, and email me with your questions comments and suggestions at

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