Tuesday, March 15, 2005

A moral cause? Laws? Jaws? We've got it covered.

Prosecutor: Lil' Kim Believed She Was Above Law
Ok, sorry 'Lil' Kim, but if you're going to be "above" the law, you're seriously going to have to get a new name.

Kennedy cancels Sinn Fein meeting
I was confused, but Mr. Mosty suggested that the cancellation was undoubtedly due to Mr. Kennedy's realization that Sinn Fein can clearly be identified by it's name as a disturbingly anti-religious organization. "It's quite obvious," he wrote to me yesterday, "just think about it - what does Sinn Fein sound like? It's so easy - 'sin (is) fine.' Basically, Mr. Kennedy doesn't want to be associated with a group of potentially dastardly occultists."

Thanks again, Mr. Mosty.

Judge Says Calif. Can't Ban Gay Marriage
After days of debate and consideration of the facts, a California judge has determined that is constitutionally impossible to ban gay marriage in the golden state - it's simply too liberal.

Drug linked to death of jawbone
While some expressed worries over controlling and stopping the application of this drug to patients, others were excited by the FDA's report outlining the harm done to the jawbone by certain drugs. They pointed out the possible political benefits posed by the medicine, namely, silence.

Dolly the Sheep's Creator Gets Award
That's right - this year the Paul Ehrlich and Ludwig Darmstaedter Prize was given to God

EPA Issuing New Mercury Pollution Rules
In perhaps the most wasteful and worthless measure taken by a government agency in recent, the Environmental Protection Agency caved to geeky leftist hippies and today issued new regulations requiring that Mercury lower its pollution output.

The Apple bloggers must name their moles
In a disappointing and humiliating blow to bloggers across the globe, the Web log writers responsible for prematurely revealing confidential Apple company information will be forced to name their moles in blog entries today. Two of the writers have already filed a complaint, alleging that their moles in question are more accurately classified as "warts and pimples."

Some quick awards:

Most worthless headline of the day:
Michael Jackson Accuser Denies Inventing Abuse
Huh. Well that's news.

Creepiest headline award:
Adams calls killers 'thugs'
You're telling me a guy called from beyond the grave to insult his murderers?! Unless we're referring to Mr. Adams of, like, *the* Adams Family, it's time to put down the Ouija board kids.

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