Wednesday, March 16, 2005

From Princess Di to the U.N. to your very own mother, we've got a conspiracy for *YOU!*

Harvard president fails confidence test
Not surprisingly, Summers blamed his failure on the innate differences of the male mind.

Cardinal blasts 'Da Vinci Code' as 'cheap lies'
You know, I hate to sound like an atheist, but the Cardinal is way off. If nothing else, Brown assertions must at least be considered "expensive" lies. According to this CNN article, sales of the $25 hardcover are going so strongly (nearly 26 million in print) that no plans for a paperback are in sight. Wow.

New Fairy Shrimp Species Found in Idaho
As if scientists didn't have enough derogatory titles already (geeky, nerdy, loserish, etc.), they may have to add "girly" with the recent discovery of "fairy" shrimp. Then again, from this picture (ACK!)

it would appear the shrimp have more in common with Alien than My Little Ponies.

U.S. may limit sale of Soc. Sec. numbers
Apparently adopting the mantra that if you can't beat 'em, join 'em, the U.S. has decided to try to regulate the illegal sale of citizen's Social Security numbers to identity thieves. "At least this way we'll be making a buck or two when others suffer," said one Washington bureaucrat, who wisely requested to remain anonymous.

Pinochet Hid Funds at Citigroup, Others -U.S. Senate
Just to clarify for some confused readers, this a completely different story than Disney.com story entitled: Pinocchio Hid Truth at Pleasant Island, Others - Geppetto.

U.N. Predicts Rise in Cocaine Prices
Coming from an organization recently rocked by scandal, you do have to wonder: how do they know?

King of Pop Praying With Jesse Jackson
(Jesse Jackson) also said that it was unfair that Michael Jackson's jury has no black members and he challenged a reporter to imagine a situation in which a white person would be charged with molestation and have a predominantly black jury.

Nice try Jesse, but judging from this picture (DOUBLE ACK!!),

the only peers qualified to serve as a jury of Jackson's aesthetic peers are Chucky, members of KISS, and dead people whose faces have decomposed for over a year. I'm pretty sure Michael forfieted his blackness somewhere between surgeries 41 and 42.

Diana's crashed car was a replacement
I swear, if I have to watch another Discovery "What Really Happened" documentary on Princess Diana's death, or just a promo for another Discovery "What Really Happened" documentary on Princess Diana's death, I'm seriously going to lose it.

Scalia Showing His Softer Side
While some may argue that Scalia is softening up to improve his odds of landing the chief justice position on the Supreme Court, others have suggested that Scalia is simply fed up with Justice Breyer calling him "Scaly Scalia." "It just wears on him," said one former court aide, "Names really can hurt."

Vitamin E may raise heart attack risk
Finally, proof for myself and fellow victims across the world that our mothers really *were* trying to kill us with those disgusting chewable Flinstones vitamins. Blech.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

As one of those accused mothers, I take issue with your conclusion on the value of taking vitamins. If you college kids would only get to bed earlier and eat right, who knows how different this world might be?!

Anonymous said...

i completely agree...one more Princess Di special and i may have to conduct an experiment on what my tv looks like falling from my window...:-D