Thursday, February 10, 2005

The Polish are *not* dogs.

Bush Seeks $400 Million to Reward Allies
The White House announced the fund, dubbed the "solidarity initiative," after Bush's meeting Wednesday with Aleksander Kwasniewski, the president of Poland, a nation that is to receive one-fourth of the money.

Apparently, President Bush, feeling that he hasn't done such a great job with international diplomacy, has decided to let President Jackson do the talking.

Rice: Iran Risks U.N. Action on Nuke Plan
Whoops. There appears to be a typo in this headline: I believe the actual quote said Iran was risking "I.N. Action."

Recount Delays Iraq Final Election Results
See? Relax all you nervous skeptics - Iraq is becoming more democratic every day.

Congress Unlikely to Embrace Bush Wish List
Unfortunately for Mr. Bush, Congress simply isn't going to go for his 2005 wish list. I was able to get a copy, and, well, I can't say that I blame them.

Bush's Wish List:
1. The eviction of the Dixie Chicks from Texas.
2. The sending of Dan Rather to Guantanamo Bay.
3. More John Kerry quotes.
4. A new educational program on the bill of rights, teaching children that when it comes to the first ten amendments, "first is the worst, second is the best."
5. Permission to officially refer to Ted Kennedy and Michael Moore as "Fatso" and "The Large One" respectively.
6. The renaming of Social Security to "Communist" Security (it's bad!).
7. The placement of Fox News on the federal payroll.
8. A ban on evil.
9. A private Toby Keith concert.*
10. For their role in the pretzel incident: the labeling of Nabisco as a "terrorist organization."

Motley Crue guitarist sued for $10 million

At first I was wondering if this was a suit for looking WAY too much like Michael Jackson, but I think the actual reason is pretty obvious. Clearly, President Bush and Secretary of Education Margaret Spellings are serious about kids', well, spellings. Said one unnamed Department of Education official, "Crue?! That's just absurd. We want music that inspires our children to think in an intelligently manner."

Bill sets fine for low-riding pants
In a move heralded by experts as a big move forward in the war on drugs, legislators launched a new campaign to "say no to crack."

*For anyone out there getting ready to nail me, yes, I am indeed aware that Toby Keith is a registered democrat.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Finally, some press for JUST SAY NO TO CRACK!
Tim - are you listening???