Friday, February 11, 2005

Mr. Mosty takes it away

I, Mr. Mosty, am back once again and I've chosen to answer some of my international fan mail.

*Editor's Note: Edited for Length*

DER VORSCHLAG: Ein Ausländer, Verstorbene Ingenieur Manfred Becker, ein Öl Händler / Unternehmer mit dem Bundes Regierung von Nigeria. Er war bis seinen Tod vor drei Jahren in einem gräßlichen Flugzeug absturz als Unternehmer bei der regierung taetig, Herr Becker war unsere kunde hier bei der Union Bank PLC., Lagos, und hatte ein schließend kontohaben von USD$18.5M (Achtzehn Million, Fünf Hundert Tausend, US Dollar) welcher die Bank erwartet jetzt fraglos, durch seine Verwandten behaupten zu werden oder Andererseit wird den ganze menge als nichtzubehaupten deklarieren und wird zu einem Afrikanischen Vertrauen-Fond für waffen und Munitionbesorgung bei einer der freiheitbewegung hier in Afrika gespendet wird.

Leidenschaftliche wertvolle Anstrengungen werden durch die Union-Bank gemacht, um in Kontakt mit einen von der Becker Familie oder Verwandten festzustellen aber hat bis jetzt zu keinem Erfoelg gegeben. Es ist wegen der wahrgenommen Möglichkeit keiner Verwandte der Becker zu finden, (er hatte keine bekannte Frau und Kinder) daß das Management unter dem Einfluß dessen Sitzung Vorsitzender, General Kalu Uke Kalu (Ausgeschieden) der eine.

Mit besten Grüße,


UNION BANK PLC. N.B.BITTE SENDEN SIE MIR IHRER ANTWORTZU durch mein E-mail: FÜR VERTRAULICHEN GRUND. Schicken Sie keine POST ZU MEINEM BÜRO-E-MAIL. If you understand english,please kindly reply with english.

First, I would respectfully request that you refer to me as "Mr. Mosty," not as Vorshchlag. I'm flattered that you would call me "The Wizened and Good-looking One," but please, true though it may be, let's keep this relationship as professional as possible. Let me also mention that it's a good thing I'm well-versed in Spanish. Otherwise, I don't think I would have been able to make any sense of it. Hopefully by now you've realized that I do read English, and am replying in it. Now, let's get to the email.

In starting a response to your rather long e-letter: congratulations on finding your long-lost third cousin, Manfred Becker, and founding your kazoo choir, "Killer Pink Bunnies," that apparently raked in $18.5 million last year. Well done! I am also wishing the best for your obese and troubled hamster, Verwandten (or as translated in English, Henry). My advice would be to remind your little friend that hoarding food in his cheeks not only runs the risk of severe cosmetic damage, but also that hogging all the vittles is just plain wrong and selfish. I would also suggest dropping a few subtle hints about his growing waistline, like perhaps just casually mentioning in a conversation something like, "Hey Henry, I was reading today that being overweight is pretty bad. Isn't that crazy?" Remember Karft, obesity doesn't pay for anyone. While I admire your ideas for solving the problem, calling Henry "Chubby Cheeks" or "Fatty Fatkins" probably won't do a whole lot of good in reigning in his face stuffing habits.

In regard to your main inquiry, Karft, I would say to avoid those chimichangas that your Grandma's dentist suggested. It's quite simple. However, just in case your mind's running a little behind today, I'll elaborate. Chimichangas, as you all know, are traditionally constructed using corn-based tortillas. From there, it's pretty much blindingly obvious. Clearly, you can see that corn was introduced by Indians, and in specific, the Aztecs, who called it "maize." This doesn't seem like a big deal until you further consider the word itself. The mysterious indigenous people's spelling masks the meaning that is oh-so-clear in the pronunciation "maze." Of course, a maze is a labyrinth. And what is a labyrinth you ask? Why that goes back to ancient Greek mythology, of the Minotaur's lair. And what did the Minotaur do? Why, he ate people. This, coupled with the fact that Aztecs killed people, we see that there's a reason that "chimichanga" sounds a lot like the common name "Jimmy" inserted into the word, as in "I would love to eat a jimmychanga." So in other words, the very name reveals that "chimichangas" were probably created by human-sacrificing heathens as a cannibalistic dish. So, if you have no qualms depravedly munching on your fellow man, by all means, enjoy those chimichangas, otherwise, steer clear.

Well, until next time everyone, work on those English skills, try not to be too stupid, and email me at

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