Thursday, February 24, 2005

Assasinations and Terrorism: What the President's REALLY been up to

US Wants Man Named in Plot to Kill Bush Held in Jail
Wow. This is pretty awful. Apparently, in a plea bargain offered by the US government, Ahmed Omar Abu Ali has been asked to instead of the President, "bump off" the President's fourth cousin (thrice removed), Hubert "Ridiculously Evil" Bush. Described by friends as a "real pain and overall nimrod," Hubert is considered the "badsheep" of the Bush clan (can you call any Bush relation "black" anything?). Hubert is currently serving time for being a Bush family democrat.

U.S.-Russia Pact Aimed At Nuclear Terrorism
So much for Bush's whole "mending-fences" facade. Today President Bush and Russian President Vladimir Putin signed an agreement aimed at bringing nuclear terrorism to the masses. "Why not?" said one foreign policy expert.

Company's Work in Iraq Profited Bush's Uncle
Wow. Somehow, I'm not surprised. I think it kind of goes without saying that any government work ends up benefiting Uncle Sam. C'mon guys.

American-Made Tequila Takes Shot at Market
I've been informed that it's pronounced tah-quill-ah.

Bread industry hopes for comeback
After some tough doughing in 2004, bakers across the (bread)board are hoping to rise above recent struggles. "We knead to at yeast break even this year," said chef Pita Zwieback, with a rye smile, "Things haven't exactly been nice and floury." Egged on by the recent Atkins "No grain, no gain" Diet craze, and sandwiched between a severe slice in U.S. wheat consumption, things have turned sour(dough) for breadmakers. But with plans to bring bread back into fashion, bakers are looking to again be the toast of town. Already, advertising consultants have suggested some new slogans to get the bread industry on a roll and to rise to its former glory. Among those suggested:

-Show some lovin' for the oven!
-You Can't Beat Wheat!
-Don't look pasty, go eat a pastry!
-Get pumped for pumpernickle!
-You dead, I dead, we all dead with no bread!
-Please your belly with PB and jelly!
-Flour power!
-Don't be an oaf, go buy a loaf!

Organizers are also considering a "well-bred, good bread" celebrity ad campaign.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

You've come up with at least a baker's dozen laugh-out-loud, clever buns...I mean puns.

from one baker to another...

ManNMotion said...

LOL @ PB and Jelly

Anonymous said...

does this mean you'll be baking up new stories in the near future? :P