Monday, January 24, 2005

We all make sacrifices.

New findings change thinking on human sacrifices
Thanks to strange new artifacts discovered deep in the Amazon rain forest, many archaeologists have changed their thinking on human sacrifice. "I don't see anything wrong with it anymore," said one digger, "I mean, what's the big deal?"

Experts: 'Phishing' more sophisticated
Excellent advice for those of you out there looking for a more cultured vocabulary. If you want to look good when writing about 'the one that got away,' spell it with a "ph."

'Creation box' sharpens TV images
The new invention, designed to improve the television picture, has already encountered major controversy. Just days after the machine's release, the American Civil Liberties Union has threatened to shut Sony Corp.'s project down, alleging some "serious political incorrectness." According to one ACLU spokesman, the instrument's name "just causes some unnecessary and unfortunate religious tension." However, the ACLU's suggestions drew the ire of Sony executives when the Union offered the "We Absolutely Refuse to Believe it's Intelligent Design box."

Device Shows Promise for Spinal Cord Injury
Thanks to some inside sources, I was able to get my hands on a advance brochure for this interesting contraption. The following is an excerpt:

"Friends, are you tired of waking up in the morning with no back pain whatsoever? Are you sick of not being able to whine about anything on your 10 a.m. coffee break? Are you fed up with watching your sick hours go to waste year after year? Want to get addicted to OxyContin for the rest of your days on this earth? Well, Payne Enterprises would like to introduce their latest invention to you - the BACK SCRAMBLER*. According to a major medical study, the BACK SCRAMBLER shows "promise for spinal cord injury." That's right folks, all the back pain you could ever dream of! So why wait, act today, buy the BACK SCRAMBLER to make all your current problems seem like a sweet, distant memory!"

*Possible side effects may include (but are not limited to): hiccuping, burping, slurping, screaming, nose bleeding, nose running, hand shaking, sneezing, itching, burning, fever, flu, influenza, bubonic plague, mad-cow disease, whirling disease, hoof-and-mouth disease, foot-in-mouth disease, ugly red spots, gross green dots, acne, sweating, b.o., grumpiness, and may in rare cases cause massive stupidity.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Only causes stupidity in rare cases?
-Ginge

Anonymous said...

Your ACLU-approved alternative to "Creation" box would be funnier if it weren't so close to true!

Anonymous said...

I like the quote. ~Amanda