Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Mr. Mosty again

Well unlearned followers, I have once again returned to bring you my irrefutable wisdom and irreproachable modesty. Read carefully now.

Which is better: chocolate or strawberry milk? I've been puzzled by this question for many days now, and I've yet to reach an answer. Thanks.

-Anon


Well, Anon, I've been puzzled for several minutes as to how you did not reach an answer! However, with my deep understanding, comes boundless compassion and understanding for your lack thereof. So before I continue, let me praise you for realizing that this question was out of league and turning it over to an expert. But on to the question at hand. Let's break this down logically. By using simple word analysis, and basic symbolism, we can see that ethically there is room for only one flavored lactose product in your refrigerator.

First, we need to look at the two words and break them down. The best way to do this is to go ahead and split the words up. And that gives us "choc" and "olate," and "straw" and "berry." Let's start with chocolate. What we see here, is that there is no hidden meaning in "choc." You could make the assumption that choc can be short for "chock" and thus meaning "chock full of goodness," but that's a stretch, and one could just as easily surmise that choc stood for "chock full of foul-smelling rubbish." So it's the safest to simply conclude that "choc" means plentitude of something, good or bad. The "olate" ending of chocolate is meaningless. In other words, in this instance, the word "chocolate" will not by itself be of any use to us in finding the one true milk. The prefix "straw," however, tells us a great deal about the nature of strawberry milk. Straw has two primary meanings in the English: 1. a long cylindrical device used to consume liquids, and 2. a grain often used to provide relief to dozing animals. So basically, a straw at worst, well, sucks, and at best is used as stuff for dirty pigs to sleep on. While "berry" simply means fruit, and that isn't as bad as "straw," we all know that a fruit isn't a person you want to be around. Quite simply, the word analysis hasn't been too kind to our non-vegetable friend.

Now, we must move on to the symbolism of the two drinks. And what better way to judge the hidden symbolism than through their color? Chocolate is brown. And what does brown represent? Well, on its most basic level, we need look no further than Brown v. Board of Education, a landmark Supreme Court decision striking a blow for equality, liberty, and diversity. Strawberry milk however, has a far more troubled set of connotations. One might try to describe the liquid as "pink," but it's far more accurate and true to the nature of strawberries to call it what it is - red. The messages contained within the confines of this coloring are all too clear. At best, red represents everyone's favorite political philosophy of communism, and at worst blood, wounds, and suffering. That's not so good. Red is not a good color and strawberry milk is not a good choice.

So, Anon, just what have we learned through this examination? Well, drinking chocolate milk shows that you generously support diversity and equality, and that seems like a pretty good thing. Then there's strawberry milk. You could probably say that drinking strawberry milk is declaring that you're a literally a "blood-sucking weirdo," but we'll hope for the best, and say that consuming that red beverage merely means that you're a "dirty communist pig." To me, the answer is clear, but hey, this is America where you're free to choose if you'd rather not be free and sooner embrace racism, oppression, and the ultrawrong.

That's all I've got for now, so until next time folks, try to keep the minimal intelligence to a minimum. And hit me with those questions at mister_mosty@hotmail.com!

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