Well, CJ decided that it being a new year, it was high time to introduce a new feature. I, the mysterious "Mr. Mo' Smarter then You" (a.k.a. Mr. MO.S.T.Y.), am going to take and answer your questions. Who am I? That's not important. But I am absolutely and most definitely not CJ posting under a pseudonym. I doubt he even knows what a pseudonym is, let alone spell it correctly.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to answering your questions and straightening out you misguided souls. So, let's get to it, shall we?
I want to get something nice for my girlfriend as an early Valentine's Day present. I was thinking it would be romantic to get her something from Kay Jewlers. What do you think?
Ken Hartley Reed, HA!
Well Ken, it's a good thing you asked me first. I'm sure you're probably thinking "Every kiss begins with Kay" and all that "lovely" stuff. In fact, you're probably thinking that you're going to get a kiss out of the deal too, huh? Let ole Mr. Mosty clue you in here: that's nothing more than a bunch of lying propaganda. Do you not see what they're doing here?! That "cute and sweet" slogan is in actuality a cold and calculating way of discriminating against ugly guys like you and me. It's a simple mathematical fact. Think back to your days of geometry, my simple friend. Do you remember that a square is always a rectangle, but a rectangle is not always a square? Well, it's the same thing here - every kiss may begin with Kay, but have you ever seen a commercial advertising that "every Kay begins with kiss"?! I didn't think so. And it's no coincidence either. Kay's advertisers are VERY clever. They've realized that 1. "Every Kay begins with Kiss" makes absolutely no sense, but more importantly, 2. Some guys won't receive kisses. Now, I know what you're thinking, "That can't be true Mr. Mosty!"
But it is.
Why else do you think Kay doesn't have an all inclusive (and far catchier) slogan like, "Every single person in the world who gives a diamond or any other Kay product, to another person of the opposite sex for that special occasion, or any other occasion, at all, at anytime, at any place, or even in any possible way, will most definitely and undoubtedly get a kiss." I sure can't think of any other reason. Basically, Kay Jewlers is simply encouraging you to get plastic surgery and be anorexic, and that's not right. My recommendation is to just forget it and not support the bigoted swine that run Kay Jewlers.
I've been following the search engine wars, trying to decide which search engine is the best one to use. Which engine do you recommend?
Pete Moss, ILL
Pete, this is an easy one. Undoubtedly, the search engine you should use is Yahoo. Now, you may be wondering, "Just how do know that Mr. Mosty? What makes you so dad-gum sure?" Well, it's quite simple really. It's a basic moral decision. OK, first, throw out MSN cause they have too much money and I hate them. Now, I ask you to look at Yahoo and Google's slogan's. Google says to "Not be Evil," Yahoo says "Do good." From there, it's obvious. "Not being evil" isn't enough in our world today. No, my searching amigo, you must "do good." It's the only moral thing to do. So, comrade, you'd better stick with Yahoo.
But hey, if you want to go ahead and be a low-life scum-bag and send thousands of cute fuzzy animals to their deaths, by all means, feel free to search using the most evil and decrepit institution known to man. Really. Go ahead. I don't care.
Well friends, that's all I've got for now, so until next time, try not to be so stupid, and send all your inquisitive inquiries my way at email@example.com.