Friday, January 28, 2005

Dumb and Unintelligent Ignoramus

Woman guilty of DUI in Listerine case
I try not to post stories that are already funny, but this is too good. I mean, what was Carol Ries flipping thinking? I think we all agree that she has real drinking problem, but I came up with some possible scenarios for her, umm, bizarre behavior:

1. Deeply traumatized from vicious halitosis teasing as a child, Ries now drinks a glass of refreshing Listerine after every meal to kill the pain.
2. Remembering that scent is the strongest sense tied to memory, Ries wanted to make a very strong impression at her job interview.
3. Sick of inhaling the foul CO2 output of co-worker "Stinky" Ed, Carol was hoping for a "second-hand Listerining" effect.
4. She simply figured it was impossible to get intoxicated on the stuff. I mean, shoot, it says on the package that alcohol is an inactive ingredient!
5. It's cheaper than "traditional" alcoholic beverages.
6. Thoroughly committed to honoring her Irish heritage, Ries only drinks green alcoholic products. And unless it's Saint Patty's day, well, the options are pretty few and far between.
7. Carol Ries, returning from Listerine commercial auditions, was enraged after being told by talent evaluators that she "couldn't handle the germ-killing action." She'd show them!
8. Thought to self, "Well, if I get drunk on Listerine, the officers won't be able to smell alcohol on my breath!"

Ah yes. If only the minty freshness could mask the stupidity...

Meth use exploding in cities
Seeing as meth dealers aren't the brightest people in the world, the next headline may very well be: "Meth Exploding in Cities."

Palestinian Authority Issues Weapons Ban
The new Palestinian regime today placed a ban on all civilian weapons, dashing any hopes for gaining the support of President Bush.

Jacko Jury May See TV Doc
This is truly tragic. Apparently, jury members were so traumatized by their up close and personal encounter with Michael Jackson, the entire group is now considering undergoing therapy with Dr. Phil.

Blue Chips Down on Lukewarm Earings, Oil Worries

I thought this was kind of unusual. Sure, everyone expects oil worries, but fashionably questionable ear-wear brought down the stock market? This tells me that fashion has simply become too important in America today. And what's up with the wrong spelling of earrings? I don't think they get it.


Anonymous said...

Hate to tell you this, but Listerine is yellow-colored, not green...
And we'd expect more empathy from one misspeller to another...!!

Anonymous said...

Actually, thanks to some excellent background research by Mr. Mosty to help me out, we have proof that Listerine is indeed available in green. It's true. Hey, it's not easy rinsing with green.

Anonymous said...

now if only my econ readings could be this entertaning, i'd really be in luck. any chance the economy will do something worthy of commenting on? ;) ~Amanda