Thursday, September 16, 2004

Today's News

Kerry Challenges Bush Record on Issues
Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry stepped up his campaign once again on Wednesday. "We are punching back," he said in an interview with radio host Don Imus. "I am absolutely taking the gloves off." This was seen by some as a surprising new level of commitment from Kerry who had previously maintained a policy of never shaking hands with commoners unless wearing some kind of hand protection.

Bush Gains, but Not With Swing Voters
Simon Rosenberg said Wednesday that Democrats need to commit money to Hispanic advertising to ensure the Democratic tradition among Hispanics. "Hispanics are swinging all over the place," said Rosenberg. "We saw what Republicans were doing ... and we decided to run this ad campaign." Continuing the Democrat tradition of questionable spending, the ad outlines John Kerry's new proposal designed to provide swing sets for every Hispanic family in America.

Kerry Courts Blacks, Hispanics With Ads
A conservative group in Kansas, Americas PAC, is airing ads on black and Hispanic radio stations in five states, criticizing Democrats on everything from tax cuts to abortion. "Democrats say they want our votes. Why don't they want our children?" one ad says. In an electrifying response, John Kerry reminded the public that he would much rather collect votes than dirty diapers.

Another group, People of Color United of Washington bashed Teresa Heinz Kerry for highlighting her African roots. The group, known for their fashion expertise, suggested Teresa try something like dark-plum with sliced highlights instead.

Intel Officials Have Bleak View for Iraq
One Bush spokesperson quickly responded saying that in the opinion of the President, Intel should stick to computers.

Bush Assures 4 States of Hurricane Aid
Though meteorology is a fickle field, President Bush stepped out on a limb Wednesday saying that 4 state will be victims of Hurricane Aid. Some fear the results of this could be worse than Francis and Ivan combined.

At Hearing, Goss Vows Nonpartisan CIA Leadership
After explaining that there will be no more "nice spies," officially and mercifully ending the Spy Kids era, Goss promised to enforce his new philosophy of risk and reward. "I will give them the chance to make the mistakes out there," he said, bringing great relief to the Americans concerned with the last intelligence failures. Goss' new thinking stands in stark contrast to his predecessor, George Tenet who was infamous for his "no mistake" policy, often chaffing agents with his "this is a matter of national security" rhetoric.

For clarification: Non-part-i-san (adj.): not bipartisan.

1 comment:

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