Saturday, September 11, 2004

It's all right, everything's all right

Chicago plans advanced surveillance
For those of you that have always felt the government is watching your every move, and have been silenced by those sadly misled members of society, put your fears to rest...you were right all along.

New plans look to place over 2,000 cameras in the city of Chicago to keep the streets safe. In the words of Friday's USA Today article, "if that sounds a little like Big Brother is watching, he might be," refering to the horrific world depicted in the well-known CBS series.

"Cameras are the equivalent of hundreds of sets of eyes," Mayor Richard Daley said Thursday, refuting the notion that the cameras were like the equivalent of hundreds of noses. While one official admitted that the cameras might be "nosy," he dispelled the rumor that the technology was created to compile hygiene rankings across the city. This news brought a great sigh of relief to the Chicago White Sox, who, quite frankly, stink.

Surprisingly, the ACLU has not objected to the cameras, nor have the courts. "We live in a video world," said Ed "Morpheus" Yohnka of the ACLU of Illinois. Some judicial experts have pointed out that cameras in dark alleys, however, would be a blatant violation of personal liberties.

The system software was created with the purpose of recognizing suspicious activity. For instance, if somebody got dragged away by another person, an alert would be sent to a secuirty official. This however, brought up concerns that the Bears, for security reasons, would have to begin using the "two-hand touch" rule to avoid tripping the system.

Police in Tampa gave the system a test-run, but gave up on it two years later when it "never identified a wanted criminal." Despite the police's best efforts, such famous culprits as Nicole Simpson's real killer, the one-armed man, and the Loch Ness Monster were never dectected by the system. Ron Huberman, executive director of the city's Office of Emergency Management, said Chicago considered face-recognition technology but rejected it as inefficient and immature. This conclusion was largely reached when many officials were caught posting citizen's pictures on Ratemyface.com, rather than actually searching for criminals.

Chicago is also considering selling access to the system to private entities. Some sources close to the mayor have said that numerous online corporations, including Westalk4u.com and a mysterious site called "CIA.gov," have already inquired about the program. One Chicago based organization in particular, found on the web at Huntdownandkillstevebartman.com, has expressed an "unbelievable" amount of interest in the tracking technology.

While some aspects of the new plan are still up in the air, it's quite clear that, if nothing else, the system should make for some great reality TV.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Finally, someone here to stick up for the sanctity of dark alleys!
Keep writing...PLEASE!
Enough on the Florida election, though - Chad's been hanging in there long enough...