Monday, September 06, 2004

The Old and Friggin' Way Too Long Index

If the title and incredibly clever (yet rather creepy) picture didn't give it away, this is the index. Maybe nobody ever goes back and reads any past posts, but I've tried to organize all the posts in a coherent fashion, and make it a little easier to find stuff without endlessly wading through the archives.

UPDATE: So much for that idea. Talk about laborious. Who wants to update this crap?! Not I, said that pig. Sift through this if you want, but trying this new one would probably more worth your while.

Now while I don’t have a sweet search box for my page, you do! Just hit the “Control (CTRL)” key and “F” at the same time to bring up your browser’s built-in search bar. Now just type in the keywords you’re looking for (i.e. President Bush, Iraq, McDonald’s, baloney, or whatever you want!) and the browser will highlight all the cases where your word or term shows up. However, I must warn you that my descriptions don’t always capture all the keywords from each post, so there’s a (good) chance you may have to nose around a little. If you're totally lost and need help navigating the archives, feel free to hit me up with an email.


Table Of Contents:
General Posts - Posts whose common denominator is having not so much to do with headlines
Headline-Focused Posts – The headline-driven humor you know and love. Really. You love it.
Hope you find what you're looking for. Or at least something ridiculously awesome.

General Posts

Mr. Mosty's Work (top)
Introducing Mr. Mosty!
Mr. Mosty lectures on Kay jewelers and search engines.

Mr. Mosty again
Mr. Mosty answers the timeless question of milk: chocolate or strawberry?

Mr. Mosty takes it away
Mr. Mosty answers his foreign fan mail.

Not so Fan-tastic Mail
Mr. Mosty reprimands and rebuffs the CMEC Hubei Co.

Mr. Mosty on the Home of the Frosty
Mr. Mosty brings to light the present-day atrocities of Wendy's.

Incredibly Random Projects (top)
This is the countdown
A informative yet highly engaging dissertation informally entitled "Online Gaming: Why CJ Really Isn't *That* Big of Nerd, at Least Comparatively Speaking".

Dr. Strangeshirt or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and *Heart* the NY
A detailed look at why NY is uniquely qualified to produce the I *Heart* Whatever t-shirts.

An Interview with Alvin
CJ sits down with Alvin the Chipmunk for a quality chat about Christmas, negative stereotypes, and rap.

Thoughts on the California Governor's Race 2006
Some terrific campaign ads both for and against Arnold Schwarzenegger in the upcoming election.

Mad now brown cow?
The official Unknown Knowns and Other Ramblings take on mad cow disease.

Rethinking "The Horse Whisperer"
Wondering how things might could have ended up if "The Horse Whisperer" had been taken in a different direction...

Sometimes truth is stranger than stuff I make up

Why should never, ever, EVER, mess around with the Wyoming Department of Revenue, as illustrated by email correspondence.

Seasonal Posts (top)

Searching for the Christmas Spirit
Some alarming headlines send CJ scrambling for reassurance that the Christmas spirit lives on in 2005's holiday season.

Unknown Knowns and Other Ramblings in 2006
CJ posts some very serious resolutions for the site in the new year.

Thoughts and Observations on Martin Luther King Jr.

Serious and not-so-serious reflections on one of the greatest heroes of all time.

Walking the Straigh and Arrowed Path
Some guidance for everyone on Valentine's Day '06.

Observations (top)
From the Editor's Desk: 2-3-06
Q: What the heck is a "yes" man?!

Waaay too much TV...

A Super Bowl weekend full of TV watching yields observations on the World Champion Pittsburgh Steelers, Judge Dredd, and of course, Puppy Bowl II.

King Kong vs. The Hummer
CJ deals with some alarming charges of racism levied against Peter Jackson's King Kong by looking at Hummer's latest commercials and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

From the Editor's Desk: 2-10-06 - iTunes of Doom
If iTunes is a valid indicator of a society's health, apocolypse is imminent. (Thank you click five, Mike Jones, and Bill Clinton).

V-Day Aftermath

Some follow up on the iTunes of doom, an officially cute picture, and why you should respect CJ Baker's incredible strength and might.

ESPN2 Much

Channel surfing again leads to a blog post, this time on ESPN2's "Viking: The Ultimate Obstacle Course Challenge," and the WWE's Triple H.

Google Page Creator and You: Until death does its part
The things that you read in Google's terms of use pages are often interesting. And somewhat morbid.

The Paradoxical Nature of Unsolicited Junk Mail
The intellectual dilemma's posed by unsolicted mail are often deep and difficult to resolve.

Pleading No Contest
We all know how evil banner ads are, but this post details just how evil they are and how to spot the dangers they present.

A feast for the eyes? Only if you want a Tommy ache.
If you snap a photo at the right time, you can anyone look incredibly silly.

Somewhere over the rainbow...

Is it possible to ask, "What's in your pot of gold?"

Personal Projects (top)
What the heck is Unknown Knowns and Other Ramblings anyway?!
A basic intro to the site and yours truly.

What *have* I been up to?
A post detailing CJ's activities from late March to late April including his daring rescues of damsel's, the revelation of his e-alter-ago, a riveting update on the state of his facial hair, and most importantly, the introduction of the now critically-acclaimed kazoo choir, Nervous Twitch and the Five Dollar Nukes!!!!

Back with a semblance of reason
This offering covers CJ's summer activities, rants on Hotmail, online ads, CJ's prestigious workplace (McDonald's), the "Top 20" songs, and a whole bunch of stuff about CJ's music collection.

*HAPPY FIRST ANNI. . . aw snap. . .
A post that nearly fell into the "Ramblings on the site that aren't worth your time" section, but was redeemed by its one interesting headline.

Why I'm Suing Geico or "Why You Should Make Sure You Ensure Assurance in Your Insurance"

A detailed explanation as to why CJ resents being called a cavemen by Geico.

Excuses Test
Instead of giving you some lousy excuse for not posting, you get to take your pick from three lousy excuses!!!

The Blategory Project
(formerly known as the "blype project") (top)
Opening remarks regarding the blategory project.

Blategory I: Gomer's Oddysey
An explanation of the "epic quest" blategory.

The Picture Contests (top)
CJ Presents: How to Win Free Stuff!
The official rules to CJ's picture contests.

Punny Pic #1
"I'm beside myself with Joy!"

Punny Pic #2
"I'm exercising my demons."

Punny Pic #3
"A Kit-Cat bar."

Headline-Focused Posts

September 2004 (top)
News Headlines
(The very first post!) Medicare increases, Kerry and W, Dean lines, Florida voting, and the Alaskan primaries...

Good Ole NASA
NASA and the failure of its Genesis capsule...

Fair and Balanced Reporting: George Bush on John Kerry
President Bush discovers Senator Kerry's hidden tax plan...

It's all right, everything's all right
Chicago unveils their city-wide surveillance plan...

See B.S.
Unknown Knowns and Other Ramblings takes on the CBS fiasco...

This election is giving me a sinking feeling...
Nasty rhetoric, the NRA and guns, North Korea and nukes, and how to avoid making the wrong choice at the polls...

Headlines Galore
Kerry and bureaucracy, Turkey adultery, Putin and democracy, and the Bush book firestorm...

Today's News
Kerry deals with gloves, Hispanic swing voters key, the Kerry's and minorities, Intel and Iraq, hurricane aid, and the new nonpartisan CIA...

The News (and if that's not a great title, I don't know what is)
Soldiers in Iraq like their TV, defibrillator ok'ed for home use, and Kerry and Bush agree to 3 debates...

Time for Some Serious Political Commentary (Seriously)
Weighing in on Bush's dismissal of a CIA report forecasting more difficulties in Iraq...

Screening for Those Crazy Liberal Voters
We're missing weapons in airport security, and Donald Rumsfeld speaks out on elections...

Bushy Beards and Cold-Blooded Killers
Unexpected kinks in Florida voting (yes, some more cliched Florida humor), the Beard foundation under fire, and the President's in Washington with a really dumb quote...

Flying High with Peter Pan and Al Gore
Movie piracy addressed, and Al Gore and Bob Dole team up for discussion...

October 2004 (top)
Physics Nobel Prize getting Lip Service
The U.S. reins, Madonna stinking at synching, Nobel prize winner named, souped-up beer, hot stops on the campaign trail, and mere debate for VPs...

VP Debate: Phat and Sick
Cheney's not telling the whole story, flu vaccine, and obesity in our children...

Pills: In both the online AND liberal variety
Kerry makes church stops, the Afghan election was fair, and not so many kids buying drugs online...

Support Coors. No, really!
Thoughts on Pete Coors' bid for election...

Just when everyone thought it was safe...
Bush borders on the ludicrous, and Israel comments on Arafat's illness...

Will your next president blow? It may come down to the (high) wire.
Kerry and Bush trade insults, Halliburton and the FBI, and the polls are close...

When "Moore" is less, you know everything's messed up...
An audio post on crazy quotes and Michael Moore...

November 2004 (top)
Election Recap 2004: Bush. That's all you really need to know. But since when have voters needed to know anything?
Thoughts on the election, overseas problems, and it's still the same Bush...

Are Edjucayshun Sistum
How the President *really* feels about our schools...

Bush for Dictator: Election Scandal!!!
Martial law in Iraq is not so foreign, Kerry votes, and Bush may offer some surprises in 2nd term...

What do you mean? Of course I've got these headlines figured out!
Powell talks immigration, women's prisons are filling up, and tolls in Iraq are low...

T.A.W.T.M.T.L.A.I.C.S. (There Are Way Too Many Three-Letter Acronyms, I Counted Six)
Presenting a bunch of questions for the airlines, Airbus gets down to business, and U.S. DWIs...

Arafat is dead, but stay tuned...
Arafat's dead(?), and Foreman removed from Peterson jury...

Clinton WHO? I forgot about him. (the first post involving a picture!)
Clinton and Arafat, WHO deal with smallpox, and Columbia takes on the rebels...

So Pacman, Tom DeLay, and a lawyer walk into a post-game party...
Tom DeLay is like a tsunami, pacman shows up, a suspicious powder is sent for analysis, and a post-game death...

Nike. Disney. Microsoft. Hey look, I have a monopoly!!!!
Disney picture, Iran, school breakfast, Nike, and Bill Gates faces spam...

Who's your...momma?! That makes about as much sense as a white man trying to jump.
Recording industry lawsuits, Jackson sued, Bin Laden communicates, and a judge uses mother's name...

The not-so-Super Bowl of Chile and Rice
McCartney is no Jackson, Chile dinner for Bush, obesity and sleep, Rice surgery, rosy pic of Iraq situation, and the grand canyon is flooded...

December 2004 (top)
Sick of Cold Turkey? Try nuking some beef.
Nuclear medicine, and cows in Canada...

You know you're a corrupt politician when...
Home invasion survivor, Texas executions blocked, and an audio version of new anthem...

Mommy, the news is scaring me...
Iraq interim leader visits, McCain and the Pentagon, Jackson DNA, and a boat that kills immigrants...

Iraq, Social Security: Just what's the blue(finger)print for success?
Tax hike, biometric IDs, and yet another brilliant Rumsfeld quote...

Writing and 'Right'-ing Wrongs
Mysterious tremors, air pollution, island rises from the depths, Bush and cholesterol, and Stron Thurmond's daughter writes a book...

Phew. I think my mind is going.
Band of rebels repelled, missile defense fails despite back to the future plan, and some misinterpreted headlines...

January 2005 (top)
5...4...3...2...1...
A fly-eating robot, NASA and a new spacecraft, and troops in need of tools...

Quadruple Jeopardy when we come back...
Meet a paid-off commentator and a teed-off CJ, the Randy Moss fiasco, the Klan and trash, Graner abuse scandal, Bin Laden location, tree death, quadruple jeopardy, nuclear sub hits mountain, and chlorine removed from railcar...

After those messages...I'm right back
Delta loses a lot of money, Bush seeks end to tyranny, and a real rant on Howard Summers...

We all make sacrifices
New thoughts on human sacrifice, phishing, the creation box, and a new spinal cord injury device...

Why oh Wi
Terror in Boston, no more hired columnists, lowered expectations in Iraq, flag of liberty planted, McDonald's suit revived, Wi-Fi soup, targeted killings ending in Israel, and Harry Potter's mom gives birth...

Dumb and Unintelligent Ignoramus
Top ten reasons for Listerine DUI, meth use explodes, weapons banned in Palestine, Jacko jury to see TV doc, and the blue chips are down on account of earings...

That 9 billion was here a minute ago...
Thoughts on Iraq election, Super Bowl bomb threat, Lockheed Martin builds Marine One, Dean boosted in DNC race, 9 billion missing in Iraq, and NASA mission to ISS...

February 2005 (top)
Slavery is wrong. Unless it's economically desirable.
MetLife buys Travelers, TV show warned by utilities, no 'Axis of Evil', Clinton collapses, students say press goes too far, and Jackson has friends in low places...

Well. It's been a while.
Mud-wrestler demoted, juice tied to chubby kids, Spears sues, no Cheney bid in '08, ban on graphic video games, and new lows of irresponsibility...

The Polish are *not* dogs.
Bush seeks to reward Poland, U.N. action in Iran, recount in Iraq, Bush wish list, the Motley Crue dude is ugly, and no more low-riding pants...

Would student 98765 please come to the office?
Science is tagging all life, thoughts on school ID tags, no concessions for North Korea, Jackson attorney calling on stars, Dean named chief, U.S. rejects unilateral Korea talks, Greenspan's ears, chocolate is immoral, Houston relieving congestion, and life at crushing depths...

George W. Bush: Getting down "on" or "with" Syria?
Final thoughts on student tracking, Syria out of line, Iran will react to attacks, toy-based robots, European ties vital, and a truly rare bird...

Why am I surprised it's been so long? And why am I shocked my post's so long?
Iran not to be attacked, nurses and the governator, U.N. bomb probe, ice on Mars, Bush heralds pledge from NATO, Winn-Dixie and bankruptcy, and Bush to meet Schroeder...

Assassinations and Terrorism: What the President's really been up to
Maybe the craziest headline interpretation ever, Bush and Putin sign pact, Bush's uncle profits, U.S. tequila, and a bunch of bread puns...

Say goodbye to life as we know it
Anglican churches squabble, Dummer school, Krispy Kreme investigated, new web suits, and McDonald's cracks down on harassment...

March 2005 (top)
Because I have to post something...
Bob Newhart gets "Desperate", Bush and Kerry unite on baseball, AARP falls under GOP attack, Mercury wreaks economic havoc, juveniles really can't die, an abused baby gets fed up, and the Greenspan eyes the deficit...

Today in my blog space, spy'm talking trash
We're selling spy names, watching a controversial ship leave Mexico, spotting hidden galaxies, and learning about space bursts...

A weak week? I sure hope not.
Applegate breaks her foot, Blackberry plans an expansion, a bunch of gambling puns from Tom DeLay, and a couple headline awards...

A moral cause? Laws? Jaws? A moral cause? We've got it covered.
Lil' Kim fought the law, Kennedy and Sinn, California stuck with gay marriage, drug linked to jawbone death, Dolly the sheep revisited, Mercury pollution laws, Apple bloggers busted, and a couple awards...

From Princess Di to the U.N. to your very own mother, we've got a conspiracy for *YOU!*
Summers fails confidence test, DaVinci code blasted by cardinal, fairy shrimp - ack!!!, U.S. limiting Social Security number sales, Pinochet and Pinocchio, Jesse and Michael - ACK!!!, Diana stuff, Scalia softening up, and Vitamin E not so good...

This just in: Obesity - it's not good
Space station breaking, obesity reversing lifespan gains, alleged Taliban gets Guantanamo, Phillip's memory chips, secrecy hearings, Bay Bridge biggest Cali fiasco?, Bush doing some tapping, crane migration slowed, X chromosome sexist, and a headline award...

Picture Day
Appearances by Jose Conseco, Palestinian guards, and one angry Schroder, bad press for Montana, Portman named trade representative, and the IRS falls prey to hackers...

Awarding Stupidity?
The largest collection of headline awards, a seal hunt, Mac hacks up, Barry Bonds whines, Leno to testify in Jackson trial, Parker Bowles not a queen, Church v. Spidey, and a whole bunch of Apple puns...

May 2005 (top)
I'm back...and I'm still confused
French protest lost holiday, filibuster victory predicted, Sun and Microsoft team up, public safety stressed in LA, smoking finds favor in the headlines, the other side of the Mount Rushmore story, and Berkeley cleans up its act...

Suitable for all ages
Jay-Z's countersuit, Posada arrested, L.A. choosing mayor, Kudzu does have a purpose, Maine serving as a terrorist dumping ground, Cuban march ends, Senates stakes high, there's a muffin headed to space, and bees are in danger...

October 2005 (top)
Rosa Parks was smokin' with Intelligence
Remembering Rosa Parks, smoking linking to IQ, how to fight bird flu, some "ADD" puns, the Mars rover reports back to base, and Starbucks really *is* heavenly...

Greenspan-ning the Headlines
Greenspan's heir introduced, trouble brewing for African hunts, Tonya Harding is in more trouble, birds banned in EU, and McDonald's nutrition info...

Foxy News?!
A rant on FoxNews.com advertising, Van De Velde wants to play with the girls, gays and cigarettes (seriously!), Wal-Mart introduces radio tags, UK dogs are stressed, Rosa Parks burial plans, Miers steps down, Japanese nuclear sub plans, and another Jackson video hits the net...

November 2005 (top)
Resigned to Whine
Epstein resigns, Senators clash, mice like to sing, Bush's pockets, looking for a new image in Iraq, Japan oks beef, illegal workers on agenda, Hugo Chavez is moving his jets, Michelin in New York, Alito under fire, and an ancient burial ground found in New York...

Men go to Venus? Pooh's in the Pentagon?! Shoot me now!!!
NASA views young stars, GOP lawmakers on government hurricane relief, Venus probe launched, Mary Jane eases arthritis pain, regulating tinted contacts, Amtrak's Gunn fired (a whole bunch of puns), and a 50 cent joke...

Dropping Names and Going Out Like a Lyon
Rice slam Hamas (not my grammar error this time), Bush ready to be welcomed to Asia, chaos in France, telescope spies creation, Japan loses lander contact, lull in French rioting, Talabani on troop withdrawal, and a marsupial sneaks onto a plane...

December 2005 (top)
Blacks living with pollution, Bush's "Good Deal", salmon listings, nanotechnology risks, domestic spying, Iran bans western music, DeLay trial on hold, McCain torture ban expected to be passed, appendicitis drug recalled, Mexico calls fence plan underhanded and stupid, sweeping defense bill passed, and ex-President Ford released...

Hacking the Headlines
Saddam claims abuse, New Orleans cops axed, Wal-Mart plans appeal over lunch breaks, stolen body parts scary, hand and face transplant recipients meet, NBC buying up MSNBC, Maytag and Whirlpool puns, unstable dynamite, air pollution clouding judgement, dead dodos found, no lawyer for jailed man, spy courts secretive, and a reward offered in mosque bombing...

Conspiracy Theory Edition: A Brief Briefing
Liberals bash Bush in "Odd News", bowling taking over high schools, funds mismanaged in 9/11 relief efforts, and the NSA website is using cookies for evil...

January 2006 (top)
Very Quickly...
Sharon is not feeling no pain, Marcus' got a gun, a freeze on death penalties, Santorum running for office, cable companies blacking out, seals removed from Iran power plants, change in Canada, and South Korean scientists admit they made some stuff up...

Coming Up Short

Anniston didn't know about pregnancy, Alito headed to confirmation, candidates remain short, birds used to rule mankind, Pamela Anderson v. KFC, mum on the ethics committee, and a building boom is coming to the Gulf Coast...

Striking Out Terrorism

Pakistan says terrorists were killed in strike, WMD's, Hilary says adults left behind, White House reprimands Gore, and some candy bar puns related to Ray Nagin's comments...

Osama bin Laden's latest Tirade has us all confused
Some thoughts on Osama's recent thoughts, complete with an illustration!

You've never had a friend like me!

Scientists search for taste, a really odd hamster and snake, UCLA students asked to expose radical professors, and Robert C. Byrd looks a lot like Yoda...

Don't go to West, young man
Some serious ranting on Kayne West's Rolling Stone comments...

Oh no, it's Donald - Duck!
Rumsfeld's at it again, some bathroom-related humor, a Wyoming rancher gives land to the University of Pittsburgh, and my roomate discovers why President Clinton was such a charismatic speaker...


February 2006 (top)
"Back with the brand new edition..."
Is Alito a mere Bush minion, Sharon has a feeding tube, headline confusion over "Commander in Chief," and Japan discovers some really old ice...

Some Sick Stuff
Busta Rhymes bodyguard unsuprisingly shot, and a really poorly constructed headline about Warren Buffett...

Aw, Shoot!
A first lady dismisses some criticism, Cheney gets all trigger-happy, Georgia puts up news signs for drunk drivers, a plane skids off the runway at JFK, and Dwight D. Eisenhower looked like Barney Fife...

Slaving Away on President's Day

Sorting through the Oscars, Apple writes some poetry to hackers, and CJ flashes some serious Lincolns...

A tissue, a tasket
Human tissue ring busted, it's a good thing Pat Robertson wasn't contacted about the Texas Ricin scare, Bolton blasts the U.N., Conn. man selling stuff, and a ride-by bottom slap...


March 2006 (top)
Kiss This
Some fishy sex, a princpal kisses feet, Katrina aftermath, Singapore introduces twisting bridge, a hearse driver goes cannibalistic, and an Adam Morrison/Richard Kiel comparison...

Zacarias Moussaui is Trying My Patience
Things got weird in the Moussaui trial and one headline explains it all...

The ties that bind: Hillary's neck on the line?
With some reader help, a brief analysis of the tangled web of ties between Hillary, Bill, and Monica. And Wal-Mart...

File Under: Thank You Very Much
A reminder to reporters that everything Eva Longoria says doesn't have to be story. Seriously...

Sanctified Sports
After Abraham was traded to the Jets, this post touches on some other NFL headlines dealing with religious figures...

Only in Wyoming
Even Wyoming papers like the Caspar Star Tribune are guilty of awkward headlines from time to time...

Did the Village People Do "I Fought the law?"
Juvenile indescretion, Village person arrested, Ajax linked to palace, and the United States prepared to issue new Abu Ghraib pictures...


April 2006 (top)
Question: What do pornography, spam, and whacked-out religions have in common?
Thoughts on Xs.to's terms of use, Apple guarding Beatles' legacy, pilotless planes the future of aviation, and suncreen maker's sued...

Iraq: At Odds With No End
Thoughtless headline writing is sadly indicative of the chaos in Iraq...






















Well, hey, thanks for visiting the bottom! As a reward for scrolling down this far, I'm not going to hand out any cash (scrolling isn't *that* hard), but you might appreciate this bit of CJ humiliation.

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