Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Headlines Galore

Kerry Questions Bush's Honesty on Health Care, Iraq
Continuing to call into doubt Bush's truthfulness with the American people, Democratic candidate John Kerry accused the President of lying about cost of Medicare and the Iraq War. The Democrat has vowed to be a president who always "tells the truth." Though no conclusive evidence was available to validate the observation, some in the audience swore that in a Disney-like moment, Kerry's chin grew just a little bigger when he made this statement. Bush has been quick to refute the attacks on Medicare, claiming that Kerry's plan would cost over a trillion dollars. In an unexpected move, Kerry disagreed with the President. "Yesterday, he started advertising, saying we have some big government program and so forth ... I have no new bureaucracy at all in my program," Kerry declared. This news at first worried many liberals, but Kerry quickly clarified that he would find creative ways to make the old bureaucracies just as wasteful as if there were new ones.

Turkey Backs Off Plan to Outlaw Adultery
Well, it was a wonderful ride while it lasted. With many political weasels and bigoted pigs standing in his way, the poultry we've come to know and love as "Terrence the Moral Turkey" has at last been forced to back off of his anti-adultery campaign.

Putin Moves to Centralize Authority
With growing fears that Russia would revert to a dictatorship, some supporters argued simply that the country should return to the days of central power. "The problem is that our country is not ready for democratic elections," said Alexander Rutskoi, a former governor of the Kursk region. "Right now people elect people who speak louder than others and have more money than others." However, some political experts found fault in this logic. After all, as any textbook will tell you, electing the richest and loudest candidates is one of the building blocks of democracy.

Critical book on Bushes sparks firestorm
The controversy over Kitty Kelley's new book The Family: The Real Story of the Bush Dynasty, hit a new high point today. What had started as a simple protest quickly exploded in a nightmare when GOP members lost control of the bonfire they had started to burn as many copies of the book as possible. The fire was soon put out, but the fireman struggled with all of the smoke and mirrors at the republican gathering.

One particular section of the book raising the most controversy, is Kelley's charge that the current president Bush used cocaine with one of his brothers at Camp David when their father was in the White House, relying on the supposed testimony of Sharon Bush, the ex-wife of W's brother Neil. Lou Colasuonno, a New York media consultant who was present at the lunch, corroborated Kelley's account. "Kitty's version of events at that lunch is accurate," she said. However, Sharon Bush is outraged by the portrayal of events. According to her attorney, Sharon ate only two rolls at that dinner, three at the most.

Kelley also stated that, "George W. Bush was truly the black sheep of the family for a long, long time." This statement has drawn the ire of democrats who swear that President Clinton is the only black president to date.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The new look is great! Keep those improvements coming - particularly BEFORE 3 a.m.
Best line - electing the richest and loudest is a building block of democracy